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Apr. 12th, 2010


Why cant I hate you..

Every time I see you I scream and want to throw punches. But as soon as Im gone I cant stop crying. I feel like Im putting up this wall against you to protect myself. But in some ways I know Im pushing you away. I miss the good times...but they seem so long ago. I want you to grow into a man so I can love you again. I don't want to loose you..ever. But I know right now you're moving on and there's nothing I can do. And instead of falling into your arms, like I so desperately want to, I scream obsceinities and push you away. You want me to grow up, and so do I, but how can I do that when Im still so in love with you. You say you love me, and just aren't in love with me anymore. What did I do? When did you feel the spark sizzle out? Mines had to be re-ignited a few times, but I always end up remembering why I loved you in the first place. Just please dont forget me..please. Please remember Dan's house, remember watching the stars as our heads spun round, remember laughing together as you kissed my stomach, even though I pleaded you not to. Remember Halloween bloody night, and Black Betty. Remember dyeing your goatee and putting on eyeliner, and the way I passed out the in band room even though there were enough amps to bring down walls. Remember tequila night, and our ladybug friend. And the way the rolling chair was pushed against crate and all I could do was laugh, naked, exposed, so in love. Did we have a chemical romance, or did it just become that. Why couldn't I be your drink, your smoke, your high?....I love you Beau, and I miss you more then ever before. I need my stability and my rock....god I miss you...

Jan. 26th, 2010


Random post from work

I will forever be awkward. I think Ive forgotten how to be normal around people. I sink into the music and try to block out the fact Im surrounded. I feel as though Im friendly and sweet…but I say a joke or jump into a conversation and all I get are strange looks. I think Im more myself when Im alone. I have Beau…Mikey..and Brit. Im alone in my own little world. Why cant I feel as though Im normal in others eyes? I guess most true artists live alone in the world. That’s why they appreciate beauty in things, they see things clearly.

Jan. 8th, 2010


Want moolah

So don’t really know where to start. Just feel the need to update, rant, something. I really want to start making money. I don’t know how, but I’m tired of feeling broke and unable to do anything I want. I don’t consider myself superficial or vain, but for the first time in my life I want to be all I’m capable of. I want nice clothes, pretty jewelry, healthy hair. Not the typical “pretty” most people would interpret that to be. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. And if I can’t be a little skinny asian (haha) then I might as well be able to dress how I want. I don’t want expensive stuff either. Screw the Gucci or Prada bullshit, I don’t care for pricey fashion antics. I just want to either make my own stuff and have a room to set up some stuff in, or buy the hippie eclectic designs I desire but can’t see spending gas money on.

Dec. 23rd, 2009


bunch of thoughts..

So..It’s the day before Christmas Eve, woot I guess. I’m not very festive as I have been in the past. I don’t have anyone a gift; I’m probably not getting one from anyone, so yeah, what’s there to look forward to? I’m sure it will just be another day. Only fun thing is I’m off X-mas Eve and X-mas day. So I have tomorrow, Fri. and the rest of the weekend off. The only fun thing will be if I’m somehow able to go to Carthage and see David, Kristin, and Nick.
On a fun note though, I did get to go there last weekend. It was another meeting with Ellie. I went and saw Avatar the day it happened, and it was SPECTACULAR. The first night with Ellie I watched Fern Gully, which will never be the same after that, and then I got to watch Avatar. The movie would have been amazing regardless, but going like that definitely added to experience. I love the movies that show how messed up our human race is. That all we do is come in a destroy something beautiful that would have been perfect without us. Just like the Native Americans before us, they were happy and blissful with they’re simple life. They were more in tuned with the world around them, and would have never known anything other, except for us messing it up. Watching those movies sometimes upset me, but hopefully someone else will take a lesson from it, and not just see it as another fantasy movie. The movie itself was breathtaking. From the glow stick looking world, to the bizarre alien animals, everything was ethereal looking. I could watch that over and over again without Ellie around. Ellie just made it so much more memorable. It was the first time I was in public with her also, so that was a bit of a trip in itself, haha.
Ok, this will be a long entry I guess, because now I want to rant >_<. I really hate when people are just out right bitches. Let me start off saying, since school I really haven't had an opportunity to learn anything of any importance. So what little I remember is very special to me, even if it is random and pointless. Like learning the longest word in the dictionary for science class, something I was proud of. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, sure I had to look it up this time, but I was 2 letters off, that’s it. So we were saying something about adverbs, and I stated English was my only subject I was really good in, along with Science sometimes. Hence why I said something about having to learn that word. The girl walks over looks at the paper and exclaims, “You know youre not getting bonus points or a raise for that.” Well shit, no kidding! I just wanted to test myself! I just don’t understand why some people feel the need to be just straight out rude and bitter. Like you want me to smile and nod and rejoice in your stories, but I cant say one thing about myself!? God, I just want to learn things, and what I retain is few and far between. So when I remember something from almost 6 years ago, Im a little surprised with myself. Don’t shoot me down when I have so little to be happy about……..BITCH. >_<

Dec. 15th, 2009


Need a break!

So..I’ve just realized, I don’t think I ever want to get old. It’s so depressing when you have to walk by a daughter informing the nurse that “he’s been having bad accidents”, referring to her father. I don’t really mind taking care of others, I just don’t know if I ever want to get to the point I can’t change my own diapers. I know it’s a part of getting older, and most would say “well that’s just a part of life”. But when is life really life anymore when you can’t use the bathroom on your own? I don’t think people should have to go through that.
So other random thoughts for the day. I really miss having friends. Looking through Lisslottes photos, I really don’t think she realizes how lucky she is to have so many people admire her. None of my work is really complimented, and if it is, I only feel it’s an obligation. My mom, “That’s looks good”, my Dad, “Wow you should make money”. But are any of them willing to help me with it, no. I need a new computer so I can even hold new works. I need a better camera, cause who’s gonna pay me with a shitty camera taking pictures. My brother just got bought a new car, and they can’t even help me put gas in my car to get to work. How is that supposed to make me feel happy about life? I don’t know..no need to bitch I guess, isn’t going to make things any different. I just wish I could eventually find a way to have the things I want. I’m working and have been struggling for 4 years now. Something HAS to give. ::sigh::

Dec. 11th, 2009


Why dreams..why?

So…not really sure what to write about. Trying to be sneaky updating ha-ha. I’ve been having really strange dreams lately. That’s one thing to write about I guess. Unfortunately they’re not all that wonderful. The past few nights Beaus' been passing out in the living room (yet again) because Mikey's been staying over all hours of the night. Sure I know Beau doesn’t “technically” have to get up when I do. But christ, how is he supposed to do ANYTHING while I’m gone to work. I don’t mind working; not working was driving me crazy. But Id love to at least come home to a house that’s been picked up or something. I guess these feelings of irritation have somehow spanned my dream state. The past few dreams I can recall have all been either about some other boy (mystery) or something to do with our unstable relationship. We’ve been doing a lot better recently, but I don’t know. Last night he came and got in bed with me and was all snuggly, but all I can remember was waking up almost in tears because of my dreaming. All I remember was me and him and some other people hanging out. He had money (ha) and was talking about how he had all this money and didn’t know what to spend it on. I think he said something about getting Brit something and just lost it. I remember standing up and screaming, “Or you could get something for your girlfriend you’ve never done anything for!” I remember being SO upset in the dream and it coming over when I woke up. I think my eyes were even wet. And I roll over and Beau just snuggles closer. I don’t know if it’s just my subconscious worries of our very strenuous relationship hindering my sleep state or what. But I hate waking up feeling as though he’s done something so horrible to me it makes me cry, or waking up dreaming of another more loving boy. I wish I could tell him about this, but I feel he’d just take it as I don’t want to be with him anymore. And it’s not that at all. Sure there are plenty of things I think we need to work on, probably more like a lot of things. But he’s not the best at talking about things I don’t like. He sees it as I should be patient and understand he’s struggling too. I guess to me though he doesn’t seem like he’s struggling. He hangs out with Mikey almost every night, were as I’ve lost almost ALL my friends I used to hold dear. He sleeps in late and stays up all night, were as I have to go to sleep early and be bored in order to get up before 7am. Sure he can’t spend money like we used to, but I know for a fact he doesn’t really care about money and could be happy living broke. I don’t really care about money as much as most, but I have no choice other then to work all the time just to pay bills. I guess I don’t need to think tooo hard on it or Ill start questioning us. I just wish he could find something he likes, like he did Morrison Bros. And be able to work a normal week and make money of his own. We were doing a lot better in Sunchase with both of us working. I don’t know..I just hope things get better so I’ll stop questioning our relationship. I know I love him..I just want to make sure he’ll grow up eventually and be worth waiting on. <3

Dec. 10th, 2009


Down the Rabbit hole...

So I just felt like Alice falling through the looking glass. I just took a wrong turn around a wrong corridor and ended up somewhere completely scary. I was going to check on a bill at the clinic I got surgery a while back, since I received a notice of being turned over to a collection agency. And since I now work near the same building, I thought myself smart enough to figure a way over the walkthrough and up a floor. Well, I went up the elevator and found the clinic I needed. Simple. Then it got crazy. I went back the way I came and tried going to the floor I needed to get a drink. Well that’s where I messed up. I don’t know how I did, but somehow I ended up in a Urology lab. Feeling awkward and embarrassed, knowing I just got lost in my own place of work, I think…stairs! That was the second mistake. Stairs seem smart until you get in them and realize they just go on and on and on, up and down up and down, but nothing to let you know where you are. And “1st floor” and “2 floor” really don’t let you know what building you’re in. They were white and cream and seemed to go on for days. And of course I would end up in the building with 5 floors instead of 3 >_<. Eventually I thought “go to the bottom, walk outside, and find your way in the light”. Would have seemed smart had I not ended up in between 2 doors, both going into a building somewhere. Through one window were a bunch of curtains like a hospital and the other looked like a laboratory. Both seemed wrong so I ran back upstairs. Eventually I found where I was, but I don’t know how. Needless to say, I’m never going into any unmarked staircases again. The white rabbit will not be chased.

Nov. 30th, 2009


Night with Ellie

So I spent my first great time with Ellie. We’ve hung out once before, but my house isn’t the most fun place to experience. Last weekend was a really strange and beautiful experience for me. The trees became spider webs and the stars moved in layers. Out in the country, in nature, you feel one with your universe. I really wish I could remember the entire night. But of course my camera batteries were dead, and remembering that whole experience could take a lifetime. It started with just expecting drinking and magic caps, but Nick brought Ellie. Brit and Mikey were with me and Beau and Ellie was COMPLETELY not expected. I saw her, and knew the night took a turn for the better. I started on my glass of Sula, and that kicked things off. The main aspect of the night was laughter. From The Last Unicorn to Cat Soup, everything was hilarious and happy. Even the messed up interpretations of the movies and sick humor of boys couldn’t faze me from not laughing. People were laughing at my jokes, Brit wasn’t even bothering me. But as sad as it sounds, she’s better around Ellie then without her. Soon the journey ended up outside. Beau was for sure feeling wonderful. Somehow we ended up in the grass together, lying down, with no fear or worry of what’s underneath us. The sky was our T.V. and it had the best shows on. I can’t remember the last time I looked up at the sky and felt one with myself and everything around me. Lying in Beaus leather jacket, with the smell of Earth around me, I felt home..Like a child..Couldnt stop smiling. The night wandered on, people moved in and out. Beau had a little more Ellie around him then I realized and offered me the treat. I’m sitting outside, he goes to hand me the wonderful paper, and…it disappears. Ha..go figure. So here we are, outside, in the dark, fire dying, and I’m wearing a white jacket with blonde hair. This didn’t seem realistic at all. So Beau decides to go get the flashlight from Mikey and make it all better. This seemed like a great idea until I realize I’m all alone by a dying fire, out in the woods, and feeling the effects of Ellie. Luckily Beau didn’t take long and soon I was revamping the night. The extra definitely kicked it up a notch. So back to the house we go. Talking, laughing, awake. Brit disappeared a few times, but that’s the game, so we didn’t worry. At one point me and Beau found her beside the tree next to the house, she was spaced. She seemed fine though, so we moved her up a little and left her be. A few minutes later I see Kristin outside by the house, near where Brit was and Nick turned around peeing. Oh..god..thats where Brit was. Kristin realized too and we both freaked out, Nick stopped and we realized Brit was no longer there. Oh great, and girl that’s never met Ellie and has vanished into the dark, cant be good. So I walk around the house, alone again. And get to the gate headed towards the campsite. As Im calling out Brits name, I hear a voice coming from the bush next to me. This is pretty much how the conversation went.
Me: Brittany….Brittany!!
Bush: ::rustles:: Yeah?
Me: Brittany?..Brittany where are you?!
Bush/Brittany: In here
Me: What the hell are you doing in the bush!?
Bush/Brittany: ::giggle::…I don’t know
Me: Oh my god, well are you coming out?
Bush: No…but I will
So that’s how the night got started for her. I went inside and of course everyone wanted to know where Brittany was. It was a little funny explaining to them she was in the bush…so the house now had a “bush monster”. Eventually we all went to the fire, Nick, Halbrook, Brit, me, Beau, Mikey, David and Kristin It was awesome with the music, the tent (that was never used), and just the joy of being happy with friends. For one brief night all that concerned us, was where to get more wood for the fire. Eventually Halbrook and Nick had to leave, this was probably normal for them. David and Kristin stayed out with us, and David got entranced by the machete. This would have been fine, had he not been careless and think he was a ninja. He flipped it, and flipped it and flipped and cut. He threw his hand down after “catching it” and Beau could see he was feeling stupid. It was horrible, but he had to leave the fire, and told us later when he got to the house his hands were covered in blood. So Im somewhat glad, he didn’t stay and me see that. We checked on him at the house then headed up to the camp. Drinking, talking, and still laughing filled the rest of the night. At who knows how many points we said we would lay down. But everytime the thought arose, I saw the sky change and I was distracted with pictures. I saw everything from evil faces to laughing animals, to some over the wall visions. I think the best still so far is the cloud formation I saw over the horizon. I will have to draw it to remember perfectly. But Ill try and describe without sounded crazy. I saw a monkey hanging upside down off something, handing a joint to a lady with a ponytail that was playing a flute. I know..Im nuts, but that’s what it looked like and it was VERY vivid. Eventually, not aware of the time passed, the sky started brightening up. It was like watching the sunrise for the first time. The sky was brighter, the clouds looked perfect, and the temperature was to die for. The sun came up and we waited for David and Kristin. Had a little morning Mary and waited for breakfast to be done. While walking around outside, I felt like I was in Legend. The flowers were glowing, the fluffy foliage was flying and the sun was illuminating everything, as in a dream. I told myself, that’s what heaven should be like. If I could choose my own like in What Dreams My Come, that would be mine. With family and friends I enjoy being around, euphoric and happy. I know this isn’t a everyday or weekend occasion, but I think with often trips Ill be able to handle the everyday mundane world that is life. I hope to go again. <3

Nov. 24th, 2009


I want to be creative T_T...

So I’ve noticed today after spending many a minute looking through Liselotte Eriksson’s photos, I haven’t lost my passion for photography. Its just hidden somewhere deep within me, buried under the visions of fluorescent lighting and sounds of banging stamps. I still want to make magic with my camera. Its just become so far fetched considering my lack of models. There are a few I could probably call to let me take photos. But it would either depress me to know its not real friendship, or to know my camera could never capture the beauty I see in front of me. Its as though Liselotte’s imagination runs rampant, and nothing can hold her back. She has to be, by far, my favorite artist, photographer, and role model as of yet. And ironically, Ive never even held a conversation with her. I just see how many people love her, and are willing to be her personal toys, all for the sake of her art. I would have to beg any of the people Id be interested in, and theyd still not appreciate the courtesy Id be trying to give them. I don’t know…I guess I just wish I could only use me as a model sometimes, that’s just almost impossible.

Nov. 23rd, 2009


Starting work!!

So I guess Ill start to try updating at least a week or something. I just started my new job at G. I. Associates. It’s basically the same thing I was doing at the bank, just scanning medical documents now instead of loans, haha. I just couldn’t take the bank anymore. I was so distressed and stressed and depressed (hah) that I had to see a doctor. I’ve always had major issues, but never bad enough to not be able to function. Oh well, that’s one part of my life I think Id rather not think about now ^_^. I think I’ve learned the one word to describe myself while starting this new job. AWKWARD. I don’t know how to interact with people or something now. I used to be Miss Social Butterfly when I was younger…not anymore. I can normally start conversation with anyone. Now I can’t hold a normal conversation to save my life. I know I’ll probably warm up to everyone with time, I just feel like an outcast. Everyone will be telling stories, Ill jump in, and it’s as though I literally hear the crickets chirping. I get blank stares and silence. So I guess Ill just keep my mouth shut for now, until people get to know me.
On another note, I’ve been re-reading the past 3-4 years of livejournal entries. Its sooo strange to think how long has passed by. I was once best friends with Schyler, Azha, and Raven. Damn how things have changed. Now I occasionally see Brittany and Sara Ingle. Two people who I don’t really consider best of anything. Brittany’s not a bad person I just know she’s caused a LOT more drama then helped resolve. And Sara’s one of Beau and mines ex’s. So yeah…not the 2 most wonderful girls in the world >_<. Sweet attitudes…but I’m weary of getting close to them at all. Beau and I are better then we have been. But looking at the happy past is somewhat sad. Well, I’ve made this really long. And hopefully Ill be able to update just a little bit more now.

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