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Aug. 18th, 2009


Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

Sitting outside on smoke break. So ready to go home. Me and beau are doing a lot better so thats good news :). Thats about it lol.

Jul. 10th, 2009

scum angel

Longest time since updating ever...

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

From Cell Phone

testing this shit out ^_^ hehe

Jul. 7th, 2008


OMG..hate moneys

You ever notice how the rich familys and individuals always seem to have "problems" and go to head doctors? Oh yeah, thats right, theyre the ONLY ones who can freakin afford it! I didnt realize it was going to be so damn difficult to go to a shrink and be told Im crazy. I flippin called 5 places and either "theyre not taking patients", "theyre not here anymore", "this is their husbands office". Its always something. And the one place thats accepting people is $390 a visit! Is it just me or is that complete and total bullshit
Oh and besides that insurance wont cover it because its not necessary. How does that makes sense?! Ok, so you'll pay for my broken arm, but not my fucked up brain!? Isn't this how we end up having crazy people who do stupid things? Dont get me wrong, I'm not going on a shooting rampage or anything crazy. I just don't see why I have to pay more money then makes sense, for someone to nod his head and tell me Im nuts. "I know Im nuts! Thats why Im here!! If I was normal, you really think Id come spend $400 to have you ignore me and prescribe a pill!?" I respect the doctors, I know it took an insane long time, grants, and paybck to get to that point. And they have to be smart to do it. But why cant insurance cover it. Or at least cover it if somethings really wrong with the person. Sure I could go to 'MEA Cares' and get free help (phsychology, not psychiatry) but MEA doesnt give a crap. They dont help my scraped knee how can the help me scrambled brain? Anyhoo, guess Ill update later.

Jul. 3rd, 2008


Im crazy...

So here I am again, doubting myself. Ive noticed recently how unnecessary I am. Ok that sounds really emo. I just wish I had something to offer. Something to be remembered for. I used to think my kindness and love were something to be remembered, but now Im not so sure. I've become so very cynical lately, I doubt anyone will remember how much I cared for people at one point in my life. And even with that care and hope, it didnt save some. Sure I cant blame myself for others short comings, but theres always that "what if". I cant draw as good as I used to, my voice cracks a ton now when singing, I cant paint, I cant knit. I was once told I could be one of the indigo children, but now I dont see how that could be possible. What do I have I could possibly share with the world. I used to want to help everyone, but now no one needs my help. I was loving and devoted as a teenager and child. Now Im 21 and can barely help myself. I know this will sound like a self indulgent and needy rant. But its not, I just have to think it somewhere other then my head. If you think Im trying to get attention or advice, youre wrong, and Im sorry. I just have a lot of self doubt sometimes and I need to write about. And since typing is a lot faster then pen, I use this. ~ So I just talked to my Mom. I cant believe I basically just spilled my guts about my craziness. And come to find out, it runs in the family. Not her, but my great grandfather was a little nuts. Of course back then they just shocked the crap out of you to push the crazy out. But I didnt even know he had problems. Then of course theres my manic depressive Aunt. Who thought, in one of her episodes, she was pregnant with the antichrist. So I guess I wouldnt be the first nut job of the family. I also think my Mannie might have had problems, of course her were never diagnosed. So the verdict is Im calling my Aunt when I get off work, to find out her symptoms and such. Guess Ill write later with the outcome.

Jun. 26th, 2008

beef jerky head

Too much attention >_

So I know I'm going to sound absolutely unappreciative. But I really hate unwanted attention. I know when someone pays you a compliment its a good thing, but I really dislike being the center of attention. Especially when it means having almost 5 people standing around you critiquing your hair. I know I look like a dyke right now with my super short cut. But there's not much I can do about it, but let it grow. And when I have a ton of people standing around me playing beauty shop, trying to make my hair not look like a dude, I get really nervous and uncomfortable. I'm sure its all in good standing, and friendliness. But any over zealous attention makes me feel in the spotlight, and I'm too used to the spotlight being a bad thing, considering its usually been to be made fun of. And then no one understands why I get upset and want to get away. Im probably just a little crazy. That could be another explanation, lol. As much as it feels nice to be complimented, it can really be overdone. Ok...and that rants over ^_^.

Jun. 2nd, 2008


Rant of the Taco Hell

So how difficult is it? I've worked the food industry before, and I can say first-hand, it isn't the most fun job. I realize people are pricks and rude to servers, and I try to not be one of those people. But to me...Taco Bell has to be a little different then a fast paced restaurant work environment. And personally I don't know how hard it can be to confuse Nacho Cheese sauce and Quesadilla sauce. They dont smell, taste, or even look the same. And when youve been craving a huge Quesadilla with extra sauce, its a real dissapointment to bite in and your mouth be filled with Nacho Cheese T_T. Now don't get me wrong, I probably seem like a spoiled twat of a person saying this. But I cant help but be a little distraught. If I spend almost $6 at a fast food restaurant, trust me its not necessarily for quality, its convenience. I could spend the same amount at Kroger and get a ton of Quesadillas and make them myself. Sure that would require me getting of my fat ass and doing it myself, which is sadly probably the reason I dont do it. I know I know, I sound like self-indulgent, spoon-fed, fatty, but come on, its a job. Its not that I dont understand peoples feelings, everyone has a bad day, and I can complete respect that. But why have a public related job and be rude ALL the time? Especially when the customer is doing all in his/her powers to make you not worry and feel better. If I say thank you with a huge smile on my face, or explain "its ok, take youre time, youre busy" be a little polite back. So anyway I guess thats my rant, sorry for the pathetic excuse of a problem..but I had to get it off my mind ^_^. <3

Feb. 21st, 2008

candy lips

Once again bored

Ok, so wow, I'm writing! I feel like if this day at work doesn't end soon though, I'm going to loooooose my mind T_T! I feel nauseous for some reason, I'm sleepy, and somehow still hungry. I've run out of things to scan and all that's left is BS work, fun fun >_<. Not much else going on really. Me and Beau are fantastic, socialization is females a negative as usual, aaaand, I'm getting my booby reduction in May, so I guess thats a plus. Now I just have to find something I enjoy as a work out so I can drop about 25 pounds before then. Good luck to me, lol. I've been trying to eat a little better, with no luck it seems. When I try to loose weight I somehow seem to get fatter, who would've thunk. Anyway, Its 3:30, only and hour and a half. And its going to go by like molasses. Hopefully soon Ill be able to have internet, so Ill get to update a looooot more. Till then I guess, Ill work >_<

Jan. 12th, 2008


Wow...a library...

So its Saturday, and what am I doing? Sitting at a library checking out books on CD...how pathetic. Last night was almost as eventful. Sure I saw my Nilla Bear, and Nate dog and Tadlock even. But the lack of estrogen is killing me. I think Ive lost all social skills and dont know how to regain them. I look through the phone of people to call...and always seem to come up short of anyone who would acutally want to see me. Sorry for the self pitying rant, but honestly I dont know who to talk to anymore. Everyones moved on with their lives, and I seem to be that souvenir of the past. I have Beau, and we're happy. Like a married couple without the rings. But a boyfriend can only grant so much satisfaction. My only hope really has been talking with Sara at work. How ironic, the girl I used to somewhat detest when we lived together, is now my only friend who calls. Im sure no one checks this anymore, and Im sure it doesnt matter. But maybe talking about it out loud makes me feel a little better. And Im sure Beaus tired of hearing it. Hes been having to deal with me and my moody self for so long Im sure it gets old. Its depressing when he would rather me hang out with Sara then to sit at the house by myself. I dont even know if I would remember how to "go out" if the chance arose. And I feel Im over the whole getting drunk in public and acting a fool. But Im surely not up to the "dinner party" crap yet. I try not to think about how boring life has gotten, but when you start to look forward to work for a social life, you know things got bad. When Sun. rolls around Im almost anxious to get to work, at least Ill know Ill be doing something. I wonder how everyone else is doing sometimes...and I miss the past more then anyone could know. But I also realize that so much time has past theres almost no way it will ever go back to how it was. I miss it..I miss a lot of people. I miss the shows, the people I knew, the music, the hugs, the smiles..all of it. But most of all I miss being happy. Crap..Im gonna get emotional at a library, thats not cliche at all >_<. Ive become that person I always felt bad for. Ive become Matt....Christ. Ok, thats enough, if I keep thinking Im just gonna depress myself.Ciao.

Oct. 19th, 2007


Another day another dollar...

So...work work work. Im moving again too. Youd think I could stay in one place more then 6 months. Me and Beau are finally getting his old trailer. Major fix-er-uper but better then a one bedroom apartment. Plus its in Brandon which is a good and bad thing. Good for weekends for practice, going to suck during the week driving to work. Luckily though we're going to carpool, so it shoudlnt be too bad on the gas. Only thing Im worried about is getting Beau up in the mornings, lol, hes a sleepy boy ^_^. Hes loving his job, thank god! Its tough and strenious, but hes actually doing something he enjoys, Im really happy for him <3. And hes gets paid well, so thats always a bonus, lol. Im still banking, as always >_< .Sure the pays good, but damn am I bored..and getting fat. Stupid desk job T_T. Im hoping to start working out when we're at the trailer, my own space, and a LOOONG driveway to walk ^_^. I wont have to pay rent at the trailer either, so thats a huge relief on me. And its about time too, everytime I think Im ok financially, Im wrong T_T. Im so sick of oweing money and being in debt. Hopefully this will help a ton of my problems. Well..back to work for me!! Hopefully we'll be getting internet at the trailer soon and I can write more <3.

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