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April 2010



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Why dreams..why?

So…not really sure what to write about. Trying to be sneaky updating ha-ha. I’ve been having really strange dreams lately. That’s one thing to write about I guess. Unfortunately they’re not all that wonderful. The past few nights Beaus' been passing out in the living room (yet again) because Mikey's been staying over all hours of the night. Sure I know Beau doesn’t “technically” have to get up when I do. But christ, how is he supposed to do ANYTHING while I’m gone to work. I don’t mind working; not working was driving me crazy. But Id love to at least come home to a house that’s been picked up or something. I guess these feelings of irritation have somehow spanned my dream state. The past few dreams I can recall have all been either about some other boy (mystery) or something to do with our unstable relationship. We’ve been doing a lot better recently, but I don’t know. Last night he came and got in bed with me and was all snuggly, but all I can remember was waking up almost in tears because of my dreaming. All I remember was me and him and some other people hanging out. He had money (ha) and was talking about how he had all this money and didn’t know what to spend it on. I think he said something about getting Brit something and just lost it. I remember standing up and screaming, “Or you could get something for your girlfriend you’ve never done anything for!” I remember being SO upset in the dream and it coming over when I woke up. I think my eyes were even wet. And I roll over and Beau just snuggles closer. I don’t know if it’s just my subconscious worries of our very strenuous relationship hindering my sleep state or what. But I hate waking up feeling as though he’s done something so horrible to me it makes me cry, or waking up dreaming of another more loving boy. I wish I could tell him about this, but I feel he’d just take it as I don’t want to be with him anymore. And it’s not that at all. Sure there are plenty of things I think we need to work on, probably more like a lot of things. But he’s not the best at talking about things I don’t like. He sees it as I should be patient and understand he’s struggling too. I guess to me though he doesn’t seem like he’s struggling. He hangs out with Mikey almost every night, were as I’ve lost almost ALL my friends I used to hold dear. He sleeps in late and stays up all night, were as I have to go to sleep early and be bored in order to get up before 7am. Sure he can’t spend money like we used to, but I know for a fact he doesn’t really care about money and could be happy living broke. I don’t really care about money as much as most, but I have no choice other then to work all the time just to pay bills. I guess I don’t need to think tooo hard on it or Ill start questioning us. I just wish he could find something he likes, like he did Morrison Bros. And be able to work a normal week and make money of his own. We were doing a lot better in Sunchase with both of us working. I don’t know..I just hope things get better so I’ll stop questioning our relationship. I know I love him..I just want to make sure he’ll grow up eventually and be worth waiting on. <3